Venting time...

I am pissed. I am pissed at my partner of more than 7 years, I am pissed at my freeloading family, and I am pissed mostly at myself. All I fucking try to do is help people and I get fucked over in the end. I am currently supporting 3 people in my house who refuse to get a job. I am talking mortgage, power, cable, food and miscellaneous things like gas and cigarettes. They watch me go to work day after day, week after week, and so long as all the utilities get paid and there is food on the table, there are no complaints. The second I run outta cash, I get blamed for not budgeting properly. I find this disgusting. I am better than this, I deserve better than this, I deserve a family that cares about me as much as I care about them. I deserve a partner who is not willing to throw me under the bus for the first shiny thing that comes along. Even if he did not take the final step, the intention is still there, and it hurts me in away that I did not realize was possible. My heart is truly broken, and I want to cry, scream and throw a fit, but in my soul, I know it would not accomplish anything, except more sorrow and heartbreak. I am so tired spiritually, and emotionally, I am incapable of making the right decisions and that too causes me sorrow. I used to be able to make the right choices and know what to expect, now all of that has changed, and I for certain make the wrong moves, and that is foreign to me. I ask God/higher power for help, and that seems to be a useless endeavor, and only solidifies the feeling of emptiness and aloneness, that has been permeating every fiber of my being in the last week. I do not know how much longer I can keep this all up. I feel that I might snap, and I am not sure what that means. I have a feeling it will be the exact opposite of what most people would do; I will probably just slowly and quietly shut down, both emotionally and spiritually, and stop caring about everything except for myself. I envy people who are able to look past suffering, and be so aloof and removed from situations that they are able to not care about anything. I am hoping that this all gets better, but for the time being, I just have to cut out my heart and get moving.

Hello.

Update time. I know that it seems that I am lazy when it comes to this whole blogging thing, and I am. There I said it. I sometimes have the intention of a Roman conqueror, and the actual follow through of a small penguin. So, yeah it has been a while. Let me get you all up to-date. New Work is going well, I am enjoying it. I sit in an office for 8 hours a day, and speak to no one. I work on tasks that are emailed to me, and get them done, and send a request for more. Its boring as hell, but the pay and benefits are okay. There are still other options around, and I am examining all of them, closely. I do have some interesting news from old work though, and we can file it under Karma:

            I got a phone call the other day from Tom, he was the service manager while I was at House O'hell AC, inc., and this is what is happening: the General Manager, the guy who made my life a living hell, has decided that its time to quit that shit. He was telling everyone that life just got real bad for him and he is 'sick', but he would not tell anyone what it was. So he leaves, and Tom gets the GM position, which is GREAT, I could not be happier for him, he is truly deserving of it. But there is a catch: Larry was not Sick, or even almost sick. He is a Liar. Come to find out that he bought a competing AC company less than 20 miles away. He is in direct violation of his Non-Compete, and general human decency. Now they are going to have to sue him to really make him pay. On top of all that, there is money, lots of money missing from the Coffers. I had to write a statement, detailing all of the money that I used while I was office manager. He was trying to hide missing money in the budgets of his poor, unsuspecting employee's. I will also say that I wish this had happened while I was still there, because now a Wonderful opportunity has opened for me, and it will be equally hard to accept, and say No to. I am so new in my position with the state that it would look bad if I left to go back, but if/when offered the position, It would be equally hard to say no to the money, and opportunity. So I will be at a cross roads when it comes time.

So in other news, my half-way better half is doing everything he needs to so he is a better person, he is now going to NA and actively in recovery, he is more attentive, and happy. But with every 'UP' in my life, there is a down as well. I do not think he is happy with me. I understand that, but there are less painful ways to go about it.

Case in point:  Last night I had to help my friend call the IRS. When we called, the automated system told us they were closed. I tried *67 my number so they would not know where I was calling from, but it still managed to get us. So I got smart. I downloaded the Google Voice App, and used a Beverly Hills area code to call them from, and it worked (because I am just that smart). Any who, I decided to be a little playful with my better half, and sent him a dirty text from the new number. He responded, and seemed intrigued. Instead of outing myself to him, I wanted to see how far he would go with it. He went farther than I had expected. He started thinking that I was someone else whom we both know, and basically threw me under the bus. When I (pretending to be this other guy) pointedly asked him about our relation ship, I got the answer,

"We have bigger issues right now, whatever happens happens, life is good". 

So I know where I stand in his mind. I confronted him about it before I went to bed, just to let him know. He seemed almost sad, but I am assuming because he was almost caught, not because of actually doing it. I guess it will be oh-well for now. Alright, I am going to go start working around the house. I have to, I have gotten entirely too lazy too own a house.