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March 16, 2013

Venting time...

I am pissed. I am pissed at my partner of more than 7 years, I am pissed at my freeloading family, and I am pissed mostly at myself. All I fucking try to do is help people and I get fucked over in the end. I am currently supporting 3 people in my house who refuse to get a job. I am talking mortgage, power, cable, food and miscellaneous things like gas and cigarettes. They watch me go to work day after day, week after week, and so long as all the utilities get paid and there is food on the table, there are no complaints. The second I run outta cash, I get blamed for not budgeting properly. I find this disgusting. I am better than this, I deserve better than this, I deserve a family that cares about me as much as I care about them. I deserve a partner who is not willing to throw me under the bus for the first shiny thing that comes along. Even if he did not take the final step, the intention is still there, and it hurts me in away that I did not realize was possible. My heart is truly broken, and I want to cry, scream and throw a fit, but in my soul, I know it would not accomplish anything, except more sorrow and heartbreak. I am so tired spiritually, and emotionally, I am incapable of making the right decisions and that too causes me sorrow. I used to be able to make the right choices and know what to expect, now all of that has changed, and I for certain make the wrong moves, and that is foreign to me. I ask God/higher power for help, and that seems to be a useless endeavor, and only solidifies the feeling of emptiness and aloneness, that has been permeating every fiber of my being in the last week. I do not know how much longer I can keep this all up. I feel that I might snap, and I am not sure what that means. I have a feeling it will be the exact opposite of what most people would do; I will probably just slowly and quietly shut down, both emotionally and spiritually, and stop caring about everything except for myself. I envy people who are able to look past suffering, and be so aloof and removed from situations that they are able to not care about anything. I am hoping that this all gets better, but for the time being, I just have to cut out my heart and get moving.

1 comment:

  1. welcome to MY world. I pay for all the above and graduate degrees.

    I hope you haven't stopped posting.

    Jim

    ReplyDelete